Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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