I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just blew my weed a kiss
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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