And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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