I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
