How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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