Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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