Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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