I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
