vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
