She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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