I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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