go do what you do best...puke behind churches
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
