I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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