Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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