It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
