There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
