They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
