Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
