I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
