Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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