Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
