Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im holly from the hills drunk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
