I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
