I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
