just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
