we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
