I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
