If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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