Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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