he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
