It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We are all done wearing pants today
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
