You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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