Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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