you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
