it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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