I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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