I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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