Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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