i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
