worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
