Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
