Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
