i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
