This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
