Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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