I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
