hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
