He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
