The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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