i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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