I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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