I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
