If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Farmville is her only friend.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
