I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
