In America we eat man semen.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
