i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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