You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
