Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
